You should do both... ';baby-sit'; your nephew... and tell him to sober, get a job, and support his family. I am sure there are legal things you can do. But honestly the baby will better off with you rather than with your brother or in foster care.
You are in a tough spot! Big hugs!Need Advice: My brother wants me to take in his child, he says for a week, but i know it'll be permanently?
I've always an advocate for tough love, but in this case, its the child paying the price, not the brother.
If you're at all in a position to care for the baby, I urge you to strongly consider it.
your brother is actually considering having you babysit an then NOT picking up his own kid!! he askes you ';if you want him';....can you imagine that the baby is getting the kind of 1 on 1 attention that encourages growth and development? That the baby is held and kissed and talked to and encouraged?
I hope to god if you do take the child that he exercises better birth control, so that he DOESNT just make the sam mistake.....but if i were in your position, i'd take the poor baby in. He needs unconditional love.
However-- if you do choose to do this-- i highly encourage you to consult a lawer or formally adopt the baby, so that he doesn't yank th ekid around if he gets a random urge to be all fatherly for a few weeks only to lose interest again.
Wow this is hard. A similar thing happened with her grand children. The first grand child was 'dropped off for a weekend' and never picked up. Then her daughter got pregnant again and my friend had to actually take the baby in because her daughter was being contacted by CPS and they wanted to take her baby due to drugs in her system. I know my friend and I know she was a good mother to her child and raised her right. The daughter got involved in drugs and acholol. When my friend picked up the baby her daughter said to her own child ';I should have gotten a puppy instead!'; I know the child was a baby but I can't imagine saying that to someone esp my child. This was a while back and it still makes me angry. Anyway, I would first tell your brother to straighten up. Suggest counseling and rehab if he'll listen past you telling him to clean up. If you can occasionally [and I mean for only an hour or so] take the baby so he can clean up his act then do so. But see if your brother will take care of his child. If he doesn't then I'm sorry to say I don't really see what choice you have other than foster care for the baby. That would be bad on the child. This is really hard and I don't quite know what to say. I can only just wish you luck and lots of it. From the sound of your question you will soon have another child to raise alone. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.
Oh, and no you're not selfish!
Forget what you would like your brother to do. Focus on what is right for the child. Pool all the resources possible together to figure out who, what, where this child is going to live and who will be the guardian. This is EXACTLY the types of situations I dealt with in working at Group Homes for abused and neglected children. It doesn't get any easier as the child gets older. The child, if he does not have a stable home environment will develop behavioral problems that become worse with time. The best scenario would be a strong family intervention that would insure the child's future. Get a therapist or Social Worker involved ASAP to assist in a family intervention. Do the child's parents adequately care for the child when with them, or is there abuse or neglect in the home now? Is there ANY abuse or neglect associated with the drinking behavior? I suggest a meeting with ALL family members involved PLUS a therapist or Social Worker. The first best scenario is that the parents clean up their act and start being good and responsible parents. A strong intervention would offer them an either/or choice, either you clean up your act, or we will place the baby elsewhere. Absent the commitment, support, and follow-through to clean up the act, THEN the family needs to decide who is willing AND best able to provide a permanent home for this child. Work with Social Services toward possible reunification IF the parents do clean up within a reasonable length of time, say 2 years. Continue visititaion for the parents, if needed make them supervised visits. The worst possible outcome for this child would be for them to end up in the Group Home or Foster care system!! I sincerely hope someone in the family is willing to step up to the plate to prevent this from happening. Group Homes are places to house/store neglected, abused children, and by the nature of having more children than staff these homes are cruel and inhumane places to put children. Foster families are a gamble at best. There are some absolutely wonderful foster parents, gifts from God to the child, and there are some abusive foster parents. It goes both ways. Not a good gamble. K, off the soap box, bottom line, I hope you and the family step up to do whatever it takes for the child's best interest.
Wow, that is a tough one. You have to think good and hard. If you take this child in, he will be yours. What's to stop them from having more too. She could come back any time and claim him too. So if you are serious about taking him, see a lawyer and have them sign papers giving you full custody if that's possible. I don't know if it's that easy, but it certainly will prove them to be unfit parents if the need to challenge that comes up in future.
I feel for that poor boy. It should be a crime for people like that to conceive. Too bad you cant spay and neuter people like that huh?
For the boy's sake I would say take him, and your brother, sounds like a major loser...he KNOWS that he can just dump this kid on you and you will take him...so I don't know...somehow you have to hurt your brother to an extent it has an impact that he knows he is never going to ';win'; with you again in future.
That's what I would do with someone like him. Take the kid, and get sole custody, and make it so niether of them can ever see him again...and let your brother know he is no longer welcome in your house.
Well, I think you need to get a lawyer, find out your options and go ahead and adopt the child. I know exactly what you're saying about trying to get him to learn responsibility, but since a child's well being is at stake I think you should take him into your family. Good luck.
If true that your brother plans on abandoning his child - then I would have to say that is one of the lowest things one human being can do to another.
I suppose I shouldn't be shocked. We live in an age where everything is disposable.
If I were you, I would take the little guy in. Once it becomes clear that your brother and his 'wife' have abandoned the child, contact the local authorities and have them both arrested for child abandonment. There is a reason it's crime: Because it's a despicable act.
It sounds to me like your nephew would be better off with you than with your brother. Your brother and his wife will have to pay child support to you.
A lousy situation.
That baby is so innocent and deserves the best life. How awful for you to be in this position. If it was me I'd take the baby and make it legal, but I understand where your coming from about making your brother step up. If he doesn't then what's gonna happen to little baby. I know its not your problem and you seem like such a caring person. Maybe you could talk to a close family member about it or a pastor. God bless
I think you should do both. At least the baby will still be w/ family. I get the feeling your bro. is not just irresponsible, but he knows you're a great dad to your own kids. If you take the baby make it legal so the baby cant be juggled around when they feel like it. Best of luck to you.
Difficult one. I think you can get the baby and if they do not pick him back, you give it to the authorities. You can tell your brother you would do that before receiving the baby. It is bad, because the only person really affected is the baby.
If you can manage I'd take the child, if your brother and his GF don't want the child then I doubt he is getting the best of care. Maybe they should think about adoption
You're not being selfish! I've read your entire question and all of the updates and I'll be completely honest: as a mother with a sister just like your brother I completely empathize. That being said, it sounds like you're trying to do the right thing. I just want you to know something that took me a long time to realize, and that is that it's okay to not take in your nephew. You have a family of your own and your obligations are to them and yourself first, and I'd hate to see (hear) you going through the pain I went through with my nieces and nephews. I kind of hear that you'd rather not take your nephew by your writing ';if I absolutely have to'; and I know how obligated one can feel when family is involved. I'm not saying to cut your nephew out of your life, just be sure that you're not taking on too much! As for your brother, well. I doubt he'll listen, especially if he doesn't want his son to begin with. Save yourself the heartache and start looking into your options: if you do take him what kind of support can you get? If you don't take him will his situation be one that will allow you to have contact? Should Child Protective Services be involved?
I know my answer is not going to be popular, but I've been in your shoes and almost destroyed my own family and marriage over it. Whatever you decide is okay; I just wanted you to know that. If you'd like you can email me and just chat. Good luck!
You sound like a wonderful man for even considering to take in the baby. It sounds like your nephew would be in jeopardy with that couple and not have a good life with them, and would have no chance of growing up into a healthy adult. So, I would go ahead and take him in. If they don't come and get him, (and maybe even if they do, ) call DCFS or whatever they call it where you live. Most likely, they will have you continue to care for the baby since they never have enough foster homes anyway. They can address any legal issues such as child support, etc. If you take in the baby on your own, you would still not have any legal standing, be unable to give consent for medical care, schooling, etc since you are not the legal guardian. Only a judge can change that. DCFS can act as an intermediary and decide if your brother should get the baby back, if he will straighten up, make him go to parenting classes, get a job, sober up, etc. You won't have to be the one responsible for all that. Talk him into a vasectomy while you're at it.
This is a tuff one. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but I can't imagine a mother going along with this. My gut says, you've got to do it for the baby. It isn't his fault and if they don't care for him any more than that, he will be at least neglected and at worst abused.
However, I would confront my brother and let him know that you aren't a fool and you know what is going on and how pathetic it is.
Make sure you protect yourself by getting him to sign a form stating you have at least temporary custody and you can make all decisions medical and otherwise. Get a copy of his birth certificate and social security card.
If he isn't back to get the baby when he says he will be, report it to child protective services. Then there will be an investigation and consequences for his behavior. A baby isn't a puppy and you can't just dump it.
Good luck!
i think that u should tell ur brother to man up!!! and if dat doesnt work, u seem like a very nice and caring fella so try raising ur nephew and i assure u that he will be sumthing great and unselfish like u and even though he would hate his father he deserves it and i also know for sure that ur brother would want his son back sumtime in the future and if he trys that ';my child deserves a father'; cKRap ....tell him off and proudly say ';i am his father';
Good Luck!!!
God bless u and the kid.
I have an older brother who is very similar to what you described your brother to be, my advice is to tell him no and force the responsibility upon him, and observe what happens in a period of time also i suggest telling his girlfriend that she needs to grow up as well, if the results are not any different within a period of time, them you should probably adopt the child, take your brother to court, and get child support out of him, if im not mistaken i believe it can be done, but defiantly try to leave him in a situation were hes forced to take his own responsibilities first.
If, in 5 months, no one has got through to bro with the ';Grow up, sober up'; message, what makes you think that you can stand between him and a vacation and get through??
GF and Bro are useless here--let's just hope they're taking GOOD birth control on this trip. Someone will have to take that boy (and insist on getting them to relinquish rights so that he can have a stable life), but it doesn't have to be you. Where are your parents, other siblings, the gf's family?
You're not being selfish to want your brother to step up, but you are being foolish to think it's going to happen. You know if it's you or nothing, it'll be you. That's why you want to look at other relatives before deciding this.
If they decline, thinking that you'll do it, get a written commitment of money or baby-sitting or something and follow-up to see you get it. It may not take a village to raise a child, but it sure takes more than one adult and a passel of other kids. BTW, that's the unknown here, you never mentioned how your kids would take a cousin permanently.
Well you know your brother better than any of us... do you think that if you talk to him ';man to man'; that he will get his act together and take care of this baby like he deserves? The mom doesn't even want him???? I think that if you can or if another family member can, is just take the baby. He has a chance at a better and much more stable life than with his parents. The baby is much better of with you than in foster care. Don't get me wrong, foster care can be great but alot of the time the kids get lost in the system and before you know it, they are 12 and no one wants to adopt them, sad but true.
oh ew.. that takes some sacrafice... but be careful.. it's obivous what's going to happen.. but you'll need help.
your bro needs to get real but as you may well know.. that won't happen any time soon if at all..
i've had that.. but always there was a lawyer friend involved and a social worker for advice and helping out for information and what to do...
if you can't attend to the child's needs and this does happen... this must be done.. for the child's sake.. though i'm not very fond of foster care...
if you know anyone who is professional and can talk with you.. start now let them know.. tell them honestly how you feel... because it'll do better in the long run for everyone.
don't feel too much guilt... but do remember.. if the child is to have any life... you got to take some action.. because you know your brother isn't.. and if anyone else gets involved who doesn't understand (in the family or friends) that may just create drama.
so keep it simple.. to the point and don't talk too much about it to those who would just make matters worse.
i know what you're going through.. i been through it myself and was a part of that problem also.. my grandfolks took me in along with my eldest brother...
best thing that ever happened.. i felt bad.. once i understood retirement age folks having to give up things....
but check into the options.. take your time.. you may have to hold on to the child for a while...
but don't be afraid to talk to professional.. and of course with that do check into their records.. don't just give into the first representative!
fostering a child and bringing a child into fostering is a dire situation that lasts forever.
but don't worry.. this is soooo common! your feelings are very common... you sure aren't alone!
check your local agencies for child care and fostering.. don't have to give out information too soon.. or at all just research.. talk to folks about things such as this.. don't have to tell them it's happening to you just yet... but do use your GUT instincts in case you are looking to find someone to care for the child.... if you can't do it.
gut instincts.. no matter what anyone tries to convince you... this is not a short lived experience.. so you know already you've sacraficed your life to this. patience is a virtue here and knowlege too... don't jump in to things that look too good, because you know! if it smells too nice.. looks too good... move along, it probably isn't!
i don't like social workers and lawyers who deal with human services but... it happens.. not all experiences are bad.
long as you put the right foot forward and take your time and remember you have the right to choose and you are a human and have a brain.. don't let anyone talk down to you.. common sense is dire here!
you're not a dummy! you'll start feeling like your trash to some of these folks.. the way they talk at you... but the choices you are offered are not final... you can always ask for options and or move onto another route and another set of professionals.
remember.. if you get to be the guardian.. that brother of yers has to pay up.. he does have to pay child support to YOU!
i know this... i was fostered.. (grandparents fortunately...) it wasn't easy.. but it was worth it... i wish only now i could thank them for everything they gave up.
i'm sure they understood and wasn't too upset about it.
there's so much to say here.. it's hard.. and dirty like alot of divorces... everyone may want to get involved and become the expert... but the goodwill of the child is the goal.
start with a lawyer.. then work on from there.
if it were me i would throw open my doors. regardless of how you feel about your brother and his lifestyle the child is not the one that should have to ';pay the piper';. your right your brother does need to grow up but your nephew still needs to be raised. you sound like you can provide a loving safe home for the child. i hope you are able to put aside your personal feelings for your brother and help him with his son.
you have to be honest with yourself. Do you think your brother has the capacity to be a good father? What type of life with it be for your nephew? Take him now and he'd be a little trouble, take him when he 20 he's gonna be a big trouble. In the meantime have your brother get clipped. No use bringing more unwanted children into this world.
I feel for you, take care.
You absolutely need to do what is best for the child. I would call CPS or the police when he doesn't show up. Or CPS before that if the child is in danger. It's a really tough situation, especially since you're talking about your own brother, but you really need to help this child. Maybe you're the only person that cares and could change the child's life for the better. It's not about hurting anyone's feelings, it's only about the poor little baby.
That's a tough decision... I personally would tell my brother that they have to let me adopt his child if I'm going to take him in. This poor child deserves a chance at life and it sounds like you are the one to give it to him.
boy do i have a story for you......my oldest son is adopted.....he was the 4th child of my cousin.....from the very first time she was pregnant she offered her babies to me like they were puppies so i KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
the thing is you can tell your brother all you want to sober up..ect but in the end the BABY is going to be the one to suffer. trust me. we handed our son back to her after ';keeping him for the weekend'; and the next day he was ours for good...i couldn't let him go back to the way he was living at the time. ultimately you have to do what's right for your family. you can't sacrifice your existing family for another child BUT remember he IS family....talk within the family and see if you can't come up with a solution. it shouldn't fall on your shoulders..what about your parents?
good luck and remember that things will work out even if you decide to keep him
Tell your brother what you just told us. Whip his *** and then if you gotta take the kid...I know its not fair but do you want that butt tart raising a child. That's what I would do anyway
Best of luck to you
I think that you are confused and at a crossroads because you want to help your brother get his life on track and you need to help your nephew.
There is no telling your brother to sober up and get a job. I know you probably already know this, but if he wanted to-he would.
So, the answer is simple. Do what is in the best interest of the child. If you were a child living with a family who didn't want you, that would be absolutely devastating. I would suggest getting your nephew before he is out of control from lack of attention and possibly abuse.
I know you are probably overwhelmed by being a single father. But, I believe you will be truly blessed by knowing you can be there for this child. Sometimes life throws us punches, but God always give you enough strength to handle what he puts on your plate. He will never give you more than you can handle.
Good Luck!
I am actually in kind of the same situation with my sister. My niece is 2 1/2 years old and is with me at least 6 days a week every week. When my sister does decide to come pick her up she only keeps her for a couple of hours and then brings her back. (Her excuse is that my niece wont listen to her.) I have been keeping her since she was 3 months. Her mom only lives about 5 blocks from me and still only manages to come see her daughter once or twice a week.
The main reason that I put up with this everyday is because I want my niece to grow up knowing that there is someone that cares about her. I have been told that when she is with her mom, she doesn't get any attention from her. She is put in front of the tv while her mom hangs out with her friends. In my opinion this is not a life for a two year old. Another reason that I take her in, is because I do not want her going to someone else's house and getting dropped off. I guess it is just easier for me to take her and raise her then to have to spend my days worring about how she is doing and if she is being taken care of.
I don't think that you are being selfish in wanting to have your own life though. I would just weigh the odds of the different situations. If you didn't keep your nephew and they gave him to someone else to watch, are you ever going to get to see him? Would you spend a lot of time worring about whether he was being takin care of? (If neither one of them want the baby than there is a good chance that they won't care who is watching him in the end.) Would it be an option to go and try to get full custody of him and try to just raise him as your own? I know it doesn't seem like much help in my answer but I would seriously consider the different sides before trying to make a choice in this matter. If it were me, I would probably just take the baby and raise him as my own. That baby did nothing to be treated as if they wished he wasnt there. He needs someone to love him and take care of him. If you know that they don't want him, then are they going to make him feel as he is unwanted when he is a little older. He may not realise it now but when he gets a bit older he will realise that he isnt wanted.
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